Island Passage: The Tired Whining of Barry Lynn

On December 9th, 2005 a movie is being released which I am anticipating more than I anticipated Serenity. (And the faithful reader will know that I was crazy waiting for Serenity.)

That film is The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

If you are unaware of what The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is about, meet Mr. Google. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is being produced by Walden Media. Walden Media has been creating a slate of family-friendly movies, including: Because of Winn-Dixie, Charlotte's Web, Around the World in 80 Days, and many more.

Of course, times being what they are, no good act goes unpunished. Don't you know that it's all a plot by those intolerant Republicans? (h/t Taleena)

The movie is being co-produced by Disney and Walden Media, which is owned by Philip Anschutz, a Colorado billionaire. Anschutz, his family, his foundation and his company have donated nearly $100,000 to Republican candidates and causes in the past three elections, according to the Center for Responsive Politics.

Worse, the movie actually deals with religious themes. Not that there's anything wrong with that; but they are Christian themes! That obviously means that we can't talk about it!!

Apparently, Jeb Bush, that scalliwag, set up a reading program for Florida kids. It's called, creatively enough, "Just Read, Florida." The state is partnering with the private sector to juice up the program with some bling.* The Walden Media company put up prizes for book-film tie-ins that they are promoting. First book? Florida novelist Carl Hiaasen's children's book, Hoot. So far, so good. Cool, local son and all that. But what's up next?

You know that with a name like "Bush" he has to have some dark, occult motive.

It's that movie that's coming out December 9th.

Another contest, more prizes:

The $150 million film opens Dec. 9, and three sets of winners will get a private screening in Orlando, two nights at a Disney resort, a dinner at Medieval Times and a copy of the C.S. Lewis children's novel signed by Jeb and Columba Bush.

So his sinister plans are revealed at last! This has the usual outgassing by the same, tired, voices. Cue Barry Lynn:

"This whole contest is just totally inappropriate because of the themes of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe," said Barry Lynn, director of Americans United for the Separation of Church and State. "It is simply a retelling of the story of Christ."

And y'know, we can't talk about that man.

The state's Just Read, Florida Web site links to Walden's, which then links to an "educator's discussion board" — the most popular thread of which is about a "17-week Narnia Bible Study for children."

So to be violated by this unholy alliance, a child would would have to

Surf to the Florida State site
Click through to Waden Media
Click through to the "Educator's discussion board," (which all children will do)
Click onto a discussion of a bible study (a real alternative for those hacker d00dz)

Four degrees of separation. The horror; the horror.

Barry, I've got bad news for you. On the internet no one knows you're a dog. I don't post a big blogroll and I am sure that I am some small number of clicks away from material that is completely inappropriate for viewing by children. Why don't you take that crap on, Barry? Insist that inappropriate material on the internet be placed on domains that are easy for parents, schools, and libraries to screen out? Maybe your Hollywood contributors would take that amiss?

But wait, there's more guilt by association!

Disney and Walden have hired the same company that promoted Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ to try to reach religious moviegoers about The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, according to published reports.

This apparently is Grace Hill Media, a company that promoted Joss Whedon's Serenity to try to reach bloggers.

But take it away, Barry:

Lynn, a Unitarian minister, said he loves the book as well as the others in the Narnia series because of their Christian themes, but believes it is wrong for the government to sponsor a contest that essentially promotes one religion.

"This would be like asking children to watch the movie The Passion of the Christ and to write an essay with the winner getting a trip to Rome," he said.

Lest you be confused, Barry Lynn may love the books, Barry Lynn may be a Christian himself, but his head is firmly planted in places that are impolite to mention.

Barry, why don't you admit it: you couldn't care less about "the children." You care about your narrow, cramped and mean view of the constitutional freedoms that are being exercised by people that are happier, smarter, and more free that you have ever known. You care about pandering to your Hollywood contributors. You have completely unmoored you boat from reality.

(That idea about a trip to Rome is a great idea, by the way. Even to a Protestant cracker like me!)

* Oh dear, did I just type "bling"? I blame it on the heat of composition.